Mockingbird

by Kathryn Erskine This page contains blog posts made by Caitlin after her search for Closure by Stephen Jefferies, Lacie Ball, and Lanelle Claunch

__Introduction:__ Hi! My name is Caitlin. I have Asperger’s. That means that sometimes I Don’t Get It when people are talking. Emotions also confuse me so I try to look at the emotions chart to figure it out. Sometimes even after looking at the chart I Don’t Get It. Loud noises bother me so I don’t like recess because the kids are always screaming and you never know what will happen. When I get too afraid or sad my hands start to shake or I want to hide. I don’t like to look at people, but Mrs. Brook tells me to Look At The Person. Mrs. Brook is the school counselor and I see her every day. We have been working on making friends and empathy. Sometimes I think I Get It, other times I’m not so sure.

__Grief:__ My dictionary tells me that grief is “intense emotional suffering caused by loss, disaster, etc.” I do not like that word “emotional” because it is too close to that bad word “emotion.” I am not good at emotion. It is hard for me to see emotion in people’s faces. But I am pretty sure I am good at grief because that is what me and Dad have been Dealing With since my brother Devon was shot at his middle school—the middle school I will be attending in a few months. Sometimes grief makes Dad’s voice get quiet and crackly, and sometimes it makes my eyes get blurry when I think about Devon. But now we are Working On Closure. There are still days when my stomach gets that recess feeling thinking about Devon—how he can never tell me what I should or should not do in public, or what I should or should not wear. But Closure is helping Dad smile again and that makes me smile, too.

__The Future:__ My dictionary has a few different definitions for “future.” It says that future can mean “that is to be or come” or “the time that is to come” which sounds like basically the same thing. But my favorite definition is “the chance to succeed.” I am much better about My Manners now, even if Dad forgets to give me a sticker, so I guess I am succeeding there. My future at the middle school includes the chance to succeed at drawing since Mr. Walters is my teacher, and he wants me to put my best drawings in these contests. He even says I could go to a big fancy art college someday if I can win certain contests. My class tells me I am the best artist they have ever seen. I am even using the colored pastel crayons Mr. Walters gave me. I used to hate color because colors all run together and it is much easier to see in black and white, like in the movie with Jem and Scout, //To Kill a Mockingbird//. But now I think colors are better than black and white because the real world is in color. The world is messy and blurry sometimes just like colors, but the world is also a lot prettier that way.

__Family:__ I have a dad and a brother named Devon. Well, I used to have a brother. He got shot in the heart and died on the Day Our Life Fell Apart. Devon used to call me Scout from //To Kill a Mockingbird.// He helped me to Get It and now that he is gone I try to Get It on my own. I think Dad is sad because Devon died. I am trying to help dad find Closure for him but I don’t know how.

__School:__ School used to be very confusing. It was where you could learn to Get It but they always did things to diSTRACT me from Getting It with things like friends and empathy. It is hard but I think I am starting to Get It. It is a little easier to Look at the Person now but people still sometimes us the wrong emotions and confuse me. But I am getting better at it because now I know it is everyone's emotions and not just mine. I don't have to stuffed-animal all the sharp edges to feel better. I don't miss recess but I do miss spending time with Michael. I sneak him gummy worms before school. Sometimes I name them for him so he doesn't have to think about it for a long time and get caught. Sometimes Josh comes with me to say hi. He is not as mean anymore. Some of the other kids Don't Get It and still tease him but he does not get mad as much as he used to. I really like art class. I still can't do eyes very well. I don't think Mr. Walters will ever have eyes. He is still on Devon's wall. Mr. Walters has us do lots of drawings and paintings now. I like art class. It is easy To Get It.